Crazy or Awesome

I had this awesome conversation with Mr. B today. I was laying out my new-found dissatisfaction with the status quo .

I am going to build the argument backwards, so that it makes more sense, and then loop back to encapsulate it all into a neat little bundle of one-serving bliss that might or might not relate to the title.

I am a first year teacher. As a first year teacher, every day I am at the mercy of numerous devastating youth for multiple hours, while simultaneously at the mercy of far fewer, but equally devastating, adults for multiple minutes. During these periods of entropy (at best, directed craziness), I am certifiably crazy. Insane.

This fact was not known to me until about October. During October I worked 2 weeks of 12 hour days (by choice) and flipped out. I then realized I was crazy, and as a result, physical activity was a *necessity* every day just to protect myself (and all those other people/kids I interact with) from a true crazy episode.

It is important to note that this exercise is not for entertainment purposes; it is for survival.

Now add to this mix the development of relationship. In first semester, I am so busy with survival, and so hopped-up on the adrenaline of running the show and not knowing what's going on at the same time that relationship is an after-thought. When it happens, it happens and is great and I am better for it. When it doesn't, I don't notice because I am surviving and hopped-up on adrenaline.

But this is not entirely true. I know, deep down, that I want, need, relationship. And every time it doesn't happen, I get a little weaker.

By February, this weakness was blooming into fully grown dysfunction. Strange desires and behaviors were cropping up all over the place. I was eating toothpaste and brushing my teeth with pickle juice. I was doing the worm while listening to B.B. King. I was skipping on treadmills, coloring my nails with sharpie markers, and eating tubs of peanut butter.

Okay, none of those were true, but I was acting weird. And now I know: I am in a profession, in an organization, that promotes a selfless masochistic work-ethic, but I am of a religious persuasion that emphasizes community and relationship. Relationship that is sadly lacking.

Mr. B and I decided that there is a Teacher Continuum of Craziness. It hypothesizes that a teacher is always in flux, and you are either becoming more awesome and more balanced and more in-control, or you are becoming more loony, more loner, more unresponsive. You are either developing into Crazy or into Awesome.

TFA subtly emphasizes workoholism as the path to awesome. But I need relationship. It is important. I think it will form an integral part of any path I find that leads to Awesome.