I think this is going to be a multifaceted walk through the convoluted emotional turmoil of a 23 year old soon to be college graduate who does not have everything together. Just to warn you.
This weekend brought two glaring deficiencies in my recent behavior to light. After playing Bridge with my grandparents and mom last night, I sat on the couch and talked to my mom for 20 minutes or so. It was the first time in too long that I let down the "I have it together" mask, and honestly looked at where I was. It was not a pretty sight. This entire semester has been marked by three main actions: an operation in distraction from a painful bereavement from one of my best friends, ignoring the looming challenge and unknown represented by Teach for America, and graduating. And as I talked with my mom, it was suddenly like it was okay to be a kid and to not know the answer and to be terrified that I would never be friends with B again and terrified that I would be the worst teacher ever and terrified that I was leaving school.
And I was. I am. Terrified.
I almost cried. But I didn't. Missed opportunity I guess.
So the first deficiency has been ignoring these very significant rumblings in my soul. I do not think avoidance behavior is a productive undertaking, but well...it happened. The second deficiency was brought to light be attending church today. I had not been to Campus House in 5 weeks, due to ultimate and spring break and stupidity. During that time, I saw my interactions with pretty much everyone become more strained, hard. I started acting like a jerk all the time. Doing really, really dumb things. And I would think, "Come on, you're past all this childish stuff (like saying "your mom" after *any* thing), get your game together" and I would try harder. That would work for a couple days maybe and then I would do dumb stuff for a while again.
Enter into this mess a sermon about trusting God versus pleasing God, given at church today. The 'pleasing God' road led to the room of good intentions, full of rules and steps and falseness. The 'trusting God' road led to the room of grace. And I do not want to turn this into some proselytizing blog or whatever, but the truth is, if there is some list, some set of rules that I have to meet for *anything*, I can't. I just can't make it. I cannot be a perfect employee. I cannot be a perfect student. I cannot be a perfect husband/boyfriend/friend/brother/son. With Christ, however, I can be the perfect Jacob Blair, even if that sounds lame.
So I was ignoring the call to trust in God.
And now for some biblical inspiration.
"But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:32-33
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1 comment:
I haven't ever met a single person who has it all together, so if its any comfort you're in good company. I unintentionally landed in a house full of Christians this year, and really its the best decision I've ever made (granted with lots of grumbling). My favorite part of it is seeing how people live in faith, even through mad crazy circumstances like sickness, loneliness, old age, and so on w/o engaging in the self-medication that is rampant in the college setting. Granted it doesn't diminish the difficulty of my own struggles, but it does give me faith that things do work out through faith and prayer. Things may look cruddy and intimidating, but there's hope for a good plan.
Good luck on running the homestretch to graduation!
-that crazy Indian woman who's on a rampage to take over a small island country
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